Sh*t Therapists Say
Have you ever left a therapy session and spent the entire drive home trying to decode what your therapist said? …me neither.
Therapist-speak has a reputation. It sounds vague. It sounds like we're dodging. Sometimes it sounds like we swallowed a textbook and are slowly releasing it back into the world one carefully worded reflection at a time. Sprinkle in a little “and how does that make you feel?” and we’re practically a walking cliche. Has anyone seen my cardigan?
What you might not know is, we’re actually saying/asking meaningful things, we just have a specific “language” that we use to open things up for further exploration. We’re not bored, trying to trick you, or low-key trying to get you out the door because we’re bored with you.
A Few Classics You’ve Probably Heard
"That's really interesting." What you might think we mean: Wow, that was the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say. How embarrassing for them. What we actually mean: No, genuinely, that IS interesting. Something you just said connected four things together from three different sessions and our brain is doing backflips. We're not judging. We're trying not to visibly light up like a Christmas tree. (but if you’re already my client, you know my sneaky smile gives me away 99% of the time).
"What do you think about that?" What you think we mean: I'm not going to tell you anything. EVER. This is a scam. What we actually mean: We actually want to know. Also, you already know more than you think you do, and watching you figure that out in real time is kind of the whole point.
"We have about five minutes left." What you think we mean: Wrap it uuuuuuuuup already. What we actually mean: We care about what you're about to say and we want to give it the space it deserves, but dropping a “doorknob confession” with five minutes left is not the space that moment needs. We know that sharing things you’d rather not talk about takes some “warming up,” but those things also deserve space, understanding, and exploration that takes longer than 5 minutes at the end of a session. When we don’t have enough time to get into a new topic, clients can leave feeling dismissed or invalidated - something we DO NOT WANT. But, we do want you to start the next session with it, so it can have the full clinical hour to explore. You can always end with something like, “I wasn't ready to bring this up earlier, but can we make sure we talk about X next session?” that's all we need. We'll write it down, we'll remember, and we'll make space for it at your next session.
"How did that land for you?" What you think we mean: How can I say “how are you feeling right now” without saying it? What we actually mean: I mean KIND OF. But also, your reaction to things tells us so much. We're not fishing for a gold star, or some deep emotional unraveling. We're genuinely curious whether what we said matched what you needed, or if what we said landed sideways and stirred something up you weren't expecting.
"It sounds like this has been really hard." What you think we mean: *in full sarcasm* tHaT sOuNdS rEaLLy HaRd you little babyyyyyy. What we actually mean: Holy Shit, that must be really hard. Full stop. This one isn't a technique. Sometimes a thing is just hard and it deserves to be named out loud by someone who isn't going to try to fix it immediately.
"Let's slow down here." What you think we mean: WHOA that was crazy and I need to get this client to understand they are crazy. What we actually mean: You just said something important…possibly the most important thing… aaaaaand then blew right past it. We are gently pumping the brakes so we can actually look at it together.
"What would it look like to give yourself some grace?" What you think we mean: ugggggh here we go with the self-deprecation. What we actually mean: We know that you’re your biggest critic, and being gentle with yourself is easier said than done. We're not dismissing how hard you're being on yourself, we're genuinely curious what it would feel like to talk to yourself the way you'd talk to someone you love…even if that feels impossible to do for yourself right now.
"That's something we can explore." What you think we mean: This is a dumb topic and I'm adding this to a list I will never look at again. What we actually mean: We wrote it down (sometimes mentally because note-taking isn’t my favorite in session). We can absolutely come back to it. Possibly next week. Possibly in three months when it shows up again wearing a different outfit and pretending it's a new problem.
Therapy has its own language, and honestly, learning to speak it is part of the process. But if you ever leave a session unsure what just happened or what something meant, PLEASE ASK. We won't be offended. We'll probably just say something like "that's a great question" and then annoyingly turn it back around on you…HA! It’s the gift and the curse of how our brains are wired. We can answer a question like a normal person…sometimes we just don’t want to :)
So, um,…how does that make you feel?
