The Apology That Wasn’t One.
You’ve finally worked up the courage. You’re supposed to meet your mom for lunch, at her house of course, and you’re going to do it. You’re finally going to talk to her about your childhood shit that she very much directly contributed to. You’ve got this. You’ve been working on it for literal years with your therapist. It’s not conflict, it’s self-advocacy. You’ve got this.
deep breath “...and I’ve realized that all of it has really impacted me in a lot of areas of my adult life.”
And then it happens.
the longest pause of all long pauses… “Well, I’m sorry you felt that way.”
And now somehow, you feel even worse than before?
—
What makes it not an apology
A real apology is specific, direct, and contains accountability. Saying, “I’m sorry you felt that way” places your feelings as the problem, not their behavior. It’s a subtle, yet remarkably devastating reframe. It echoes, “your reaction is what happened here” instead of “I did something.”
You’re Not Crazy
This type of behavior is not uncommon (I didn’t say it was normal). In fact, this type of situation is the perfect placeholder for “well, I apologized, didn’t I” to come into play later. This half-assed fake apology is so socially normalized that the recipient ends up defending themselves, yet again…this time, for being upset about a fake apology.
You get hurt, then gaslit, and still somehow you’re the one explaining yourself.
It’s Not Always Malicious
Something that I’ve learned from my own therapy and as a clinician in this field: all behavior makes sense in context. We often speak the language that was spoken to us in our upbringing. Sometimes people don’t realize that their apology is garbage, because they were taught/shown that it was the way to apologize. It’s often modeled in families where accountability is dangerous or punished.
This doesn’t mean it gets excused. This just means that the motivation behind the behavior is understood - and can still be corrected.
What a Real Apology Looks Like*
Name the behavior: “I’m sorry I yelled at you”
Name the impact: “I can see that I made you feel unsafe.”
Name what changes: “In the future, I will try to regulate myself before I talk to you.”
*bonus points for making eye contact
What You Can Say to a Non-Apology
You have all the options in the world, but here are some different ones, based on multiple factors like your personality, comfort with perceived conflict, relationship dynamics, etc.
“I hear you, but that didn’t feel like an apology to me. Can we try again?” - practical, simple, but be care to watch your presentation here. It could feel condescending in the wrong tone.
“I appreciate that you said something, but I need you to understand what you actually did, not just how I felt about it.” - more validating for your experience.
Silence is also an answer. You don’t have to accept it, respond to it, or pretend it was enough. Sometimes silence is the most direct.
You’re Not Asking for Too Much
You’re allowed to notice something that doesn’t feel good for you. It’s completely reasonable for you to want to make sure that someone understands how their behavior impacted you. You’re not being too sensitive.
Reconciliation without accountability doesn’t repair the relationship. It resets it.
